Musings

I can’t fix this.

It feels as though I have no more fight left in me. Whatever I was fighting, whatever I was fighting to prove, is gone. It’s such a relief. Really, it is. I don’t know why it was important then. Maybe it was something I had to go through to realize that there is just so much more to life, to love. Now, all I feel is the ache you left. The absence of you is so heavy it leaves me reeling. You’re gone and my life has more of you than ever before. How is that possible?

My hands are tied; I think that’s why I have no fight left. I can’t fix this. I can’t do anything to change things. I have no more power. I feel powerless. I actually feel it, I am not just conscious of it. Maybe that is what is so different about this. I cannot do a thing. For all the times that I could have changed things and let my pride get the better of me, here I am, motionless. The irony does not escape me. One day at a time and one foot in front of the other.

I wish I could go back a few months and tell myself to let go of it all. I don’t know if things would be different, maybe it would not have changed anything. If I could go back, I would tell myself to just let go of all the anger and resentment. I know now that it is not worth it. The need to prove something, my strength, my morals, my independence, my worth, it takes away from everything I am. I am more than my pride. I have more to offer than being right. I suppose I had to learn that

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