I miss my childhood innocence. I miss the way the world looked. I miss the way it all seemed too big to hold on to. As I child, I never doubted the goodness in anyone. Villains were characters that existed in movies and shows that we watched on Saturday mornings. Villains weren’t blasting out beams of evil in my world. My world was coloured with pink and blue and yellow streaks of happiness I could touch with my fingertips. Monsters just didn’t exist outside of television and my nightmares. I used to believe in the innate goodness in everybody. I held onto this belief for much of my life. I think I was in high school when I decided that villains existed. They walked and talked just like me, they didn’t look evil at all. They looked normal. Villains were suddenly real and the destruction they caused was real too.
“Hurt people, hurt people” – The Diary of an Oxygen Thief, Anonymous
I thought that if I could just be kind enough, strong enough, compassionate enough I would not be a villain. I told myself people were either good or bad. I never wanted to hurt anyone, and I guess a part of me thought that was enough. I never fully understood how we affect each other in so many ways. One action, one unkind or inconsiderate decision can cause a ripple effect. In one moment of anger, our words can tear through someone’s heart and change them forever. We are not simply good or bad. We are human. We are messy, cruel, beautiful and breathtaking. We are complex. We are a product of our lives, our environments and our relationships. God help us.
I am not disillusioned; I know that we damage one other. We experience pain at the hands of others, and our own hands have played a part in others’ pain. The worst kind of damage we do is to those who love us and those whom we love. As I stare above me, lying in my bed, my chest aching in that familiar way. I start making wishes on my tears. I wish it didn’t hurt.
“You can’t serve two masters. You have to pick one – Love or Fear” – Luminita D. Saviuc
We are foolish if we believe that we have not left our mark on the world. Our marks live on in the people around us. Gashed and bruised from our thoughtless words and unkind actions. Walking around with us etched on their skin, hoping no one will ever make them hurt like that again.
Understand that you do not exist in a vacuum. Your actions impact others. Your words crash and bump into those around you. Maybe understanding this will allow us to hurt each other just a little bit less and help us love each other just a little bit more.
P.s I am always here