I have often wondered about how I fit into this puzzle that is life. Sometimes I feel too small or too big, but mostly I feel too different. As thought these jagged pieces wouldn’t fit anywhere, uneven and sharp. I worry that my heart is too wild for this world. I try to tell it, that it cannot have such high expectations of people but it just thumps on with hope. I try to tell my heart that people are not perfect and that it’s going to be let down, but it still thumps on with hope.
The thing is, when you’re always the one packing bags, making the calls, writing the letters, it adds to the notion that you deserve something in return. You hold on to all this hope, because you’re constantly setting yourself on fire, to light up someone else’s life. You hope that person will look at you and tell you how brightly you shine. You hope that person will hold your hand and tell you that their world would be dark without you. Sometimes its only when you walk away that they even really notice, if at all, that your light is gone.
Maybe you are supposed to give without expecting anything in return, maybe that is growing up. Maybe I don’t expect anything in return. Maybe there is no expectation in hope. Perhaps I only hope to not go unnoticed, to be told I am wanted and not forgotten. I don’t think that is completely unreasonable. You are not entitled to anything in your relationships; I guess that explains why people walk away from each other when they don’t feel valued. But I do believe it’s important anyway. Not everyone is going to give you what you need, not everyone is going to nourish your soul, no matter how much of yourself you pour into them.
I think it is only human to want to be acknowledged. It is only human to want love, to be loved and to give it. It is only human, to make mistakes, to shout and cry when you shouldn’t. But it is something extraordinary to give love, it is something that we cannot explain. Love, itself, hope itself, its all magic. And if you’re really lucky, you have both.