I don’t know how it happened, or what happened but here I am. Maybe I do know what happened, things got to stressful, I felt like my head would explode. I felt as though the floor beneath my feet became floating pieces of the world I had built and I needed to jump somewhere. And here I am. I can’t write, I want to write but then all my feelings seem so trivial and my head goes, ‘who the hell cares about your feelings?’
One day I was so sure of where I was and who I was. And I watched myself in the bathroom mirror every night transforming into someone I didn’t recognise. I slept with my mind awake, running a thousand scenarios. Sometimes I would deliberately have too much caffeine so I could be alone with my thoughts. I would wake up tired and not at all closer to a resolution. The house felt too big, the stairs seemed too many, the world around me as I knew it became too big for me.
Fast forward a few weeks and I was waking up with tear drops the shape of you on my cheeks at 2AM in a strangers house. The bed was too small, the cups of tea were too small and my heart felt like it was packing its bags and leaving me too. And I could cry thinking about it now, the life I left reluctantly.
I was so sure about what I wanted. My priorities were all set and my mind focused. Then the doubts crept in and I wondered how much longer I could feel unsafe and unsure. I didn’t think I could do it anymore. I needed some faith, but I couldn’t understand what I wanted to believe in. Everything I thought I knew was changing. Things I never fathomed would happen, happened and I watched in absolute horror from a distance.
Does this all sound dramatic? Because my heart fell out of my chest with a simple phone call and at the time I couldn’t imagine feeling any other way. And I guess there are bigger problems in this universe than a simple heartbreak. But there is nothing simple about lying on the floor, staring at your crumpled clothes, and wishing you had vacuumed that day. But at the same time feeling like it doesn’t even matter anymore. There is nothing simple about missing someone so much that your body physically feels the ache. There is nothing simple about dreading crawling into bed and listening to the silence. There is nothing simple about love and how it completely takes hold of you, curling its hands around your heart.
Curl around my heart, darling, but come in peace.