We have only truly failed ourselves if and only if life has succeeded in making us bitter. After all, we are here as blank pages and our choices, decisions and people we surround ourselves with, paint and write on our pages. I guess it is only a matter of time before we reach a page in our lives that has been painted far to dark or has cruel words written on and we forget to turn the page. We would like nothing more than to erase a part that we feel has played a significant part in our undoing. We become fixated on this one part of our lives and the pages are getting filled anyway but by the wrong things because we are so lost over one mistake.
Not every page will stir up happiness within us, although it would be wonderful if all our pages could be filled with beautiful art that nurtures our souls. Our lives are usually coloured in contrasts. I believe that we are marvelous because we get to feel the hurt and heartbreak. We also get to feel the love and the joy too. I feel that even the hard times add a different kind of beauty to our book. Things like strength, courage, bravery and dignity are not made through contentment, but through challenging times and through making mistakes. We blunder though most of our lives thinking: ‘Fuck, am I doing the right thing?’ or ‘Yeah this was a huge mistake’. I am starting to wonder if 60% of my life will be that way, a constant question of my choices and whether or not I am following the path I want to.
If we are really fortunate, once in a while our internal dialogue becomes something encouraging, something like: ‘I am so proud of you, You really are going to be okay.’ If you are like me, and do not know what the hell you are doing most of the time, these two dialogues intermingle about 24 times a day. What I mean is, that sometimes you will be infuriated and frustrated with the way your life has turned out, and other times simply impressed by your own resilience and character. It’s basically okay that sometimes after you have made a huge life choice that you cry really hard at 4AM and the wake up and be proud of yourself for making it through the day.
I understand that things happen, and that life creates wounds within us that we are all trying to heal. But I don’t want to take off my rose-coloured glasses quite yet. If that makes me a fool, than I am a fool. At least the view is quite all right and at least my pages, although many mistakes have been made, are not torn out and ripped apart. And even if they were, I know I can tape it all back together again because I am my own hero.