Musings

I Never left

β€œTurn your sadness into water, your doubts into soil and your tears into seeds and before you know it there will be flowers growing in places you never even knew existed.” –Β acydyc

Perhaps it is not just me who spills my hair over my tea and wishes you were laughing with me. Perhaps I am not alone in my sadness for what we lost. I think I tried for so long that I felt like such a fool. For even when you pushed your hardest I stood outside you door and whispered that I loved you and that we should have been stronger than all of this. My new life sways with possibility but is lacking in the background music we used to shout together.

Back then I used to ask for you when I awoke from my saddest dreams. The answer would always be ‘no’ and I would crumble again. Each time dragging myself to the front door to light a cigarette you could probably smell. You and I felt life so intensely and so much the same that when a hurricane managed to walk through our front door we could hold onto each other. That disappeared when a hurricane took you. I think you walked towards it, laughing at the danger and my warnings.

I don’t think I will ever stop writing you up in my words. You effortlessly changed my life and my laugh. You tore up my letters and I tore up our photographs. We damaged each other because we didn’t want to have to leave. At least that was my only reason.

Either way, I will mourn our friendship for the rest of my life. Mostly because I always knew that it could have been taped together and healed. Mostly because pride got the best of me.

But I am no longer ashamed of my sadness, I am no longer ashamed of my anger. If anything, I have been walking around holding up a white flag and I have watched each time a bullet went straight through it.

My sadness reminds me of you. You saved me a little too.

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