“Excellence is never an accident. It is always the result of high intention, sincere effort, and intelligent execution; it represents the wise choice of many alternatives – choice, not chance, determines your destiny.”
Terrifying? It’s the unknown. It’s the blank space (not the T. Swift kind) in your mind questioning everything. Your mind running over past and future events. Your mind taking control and determining the decisions that should be made when and where. I cannot hide from my thoughts. I worry about opportunities passing me by. I worry that I am not ambitious enough. I am terrified of failure and scared that I will not achieve my dreams. Part of me doesn’t want to think about this and part of me wants to be prepared. There is also a part of me is shouting at these other two parts to stay positive while they both think up scenarios that scare me into darkness.
Maybe choices don’t define you but they more than likely define where your life will be headed. Choices are what push or pull you backwards or forwards. Unfortunately, every dream requires a sacrifice. Every opportunity requires you to walk over a few bridges and sometimes even burning a few. Decisions and ambitions are what nightmares are made of. I am awake at 1:31 AM, battling through some book that I want to finish for the sake of finishing- I hate quitting.
Sometimes I wish I could turn my brain off. I know it’s not necessarily a bad thing to worry and hope and dream. It is exhausting though. Right now, I want to sleep. I don’t want to think about what career I want or what post-grad degree to look into. I don’t want to think about getting a holiday job, or why I got such a bad mark on my sociology semester test. I want to sleep.
Have I travelled enough? Do I work hard enough? Am I a good person? Is my typing waking up my mom? Is it normal that my dog is having bad dreams? Will I get back to Pretoria safely? Can I follow my best friend to Germany, or will customs find me in her hand luggage?
The family that worries together-stays together.