There is still a hurt inside of me. Betrayal will do that; make you feel ashamed and unworthy. Malice will lunge at you repeatedly until you cannot breathe. When I walk the same road almost everyday, I am flooded with memories and anger. ‘unforgiving is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die,’ but the poison doesn’t taste so bad. Especially when I whisk away the anger and add some sweetness.
I guess there’s always a catch-22 when something ends. Do I show this person how much they’ve hurt me? do I express myself and say what I need to say? Do I hold my head high and not give them the satisfaction? Do I walk past this person and pretend we have no history? I guess I am conflicted. Do I keep this person in my life or on social media? I believe that some people should not be privy to our information and life events. If I unfriend- does that mean I lose the ‘who cares less?’ war? Do I cut them out of my life? I feel like a quitter. Do I try to solve the problem? What if I don’t even know what happened? What if the problem was an unwelcome guest in the relationship? Do I cut my losses? Once again, I feel like a quitter.
How many of these things can I do without the other? What makes me a quitter and what makes me smart? What makes me happier? What makes me kind and forgiving and what makes me foolish? I’ve tried to follow my heart and I feel like I’ve only made everything worse. I’ve tried to move on and here I am still sighing at night about it. I know there are some unresolved issues. I would be lying if I said I hadn’t written about 10 speeches in my head. Half of them are angry and horribly cutting. The other half are forgiving and kind. I’m leaning toward the former most of the day. I’m also obsessed with winning, I want to win. Even if that means being the first to let go, being the bigger person or even hurting someone the same way they hurt me.
This in mind, I’m not exactly my biggest fan. Obviously if I had my way, there would be no end. If I had my way, this wouldn’t even be written. Too many things were, nasty and hateful things that I cannot forgive. Too many people have taken sides, loyalty being something I cherish. It is too far gone to save now.
Writing this out has only made me realise the most important question of all: what would make me happy? The answer: I quit. I have deleted parts of this post in order to prevent a reaction. It’s not worth it. I don’t want to take part in this ‘game’ anymore. I am no mouse, I am no cat.