I am fighting a battle that I could very well lose. It doesn’t really matter how hard I am forcing the negative thoughts back down into the blackness from which they have crawled; they seem to storm and rage their way right back in. They are strong. The truth is, I know that there are good people in the world. There are great people with beautiful brains and words I can savour on for years at a time. I know that there are souls that are so alive that they almost dance through life and gallop through hearts. But even the most incandescent soul can have the heaviest shadow. You see, even the most beautiful looking souls are coloured with the most wretched shades.
“What happens when people open their hearts?”…
“They get better.”
— Haruki Murakami (Norwegian Wood)
I want to be a giver, in my relationships and friendships and daily conversations. I want to give and help and listen and love and learn. But now, I am more scared than ever. Perhaps I have been naive in hoping that there is good in everyone. Perhaps I have been naive in believing so hard in those that deserve no belief.
I don’t want to become bitter, or cold, but for now I do not feel as though I can be vulnerable. Admitting this to myself; I recognise that something inside me broke and needs healing. I know I am the only one who can fix this crack inside of me. I just haven’t quite figured out how to do so.
“To regret one’s own experiences is to arrest one’s own development. To deny one’s own experiences is to put a lie into the lips of one’s own life. It is no less than a denial of the soul.”
― Oscar Wilde, De Profundis
I suppose that after a few scratches and cuts I’ve lost my trust in even the brightest of people. Sometimes, no matter how hard I look I just cannot find the ‘lesson’ or the ‘reason’ for certain situations. That makes it really hard to move on, almost as though I have not received any closure. But maybe that is all part of the challenge, getting through something and not fully comprehending its existence. When do you finally close the enveloped sides of your heart and press down firmly until they stick? A part of me doesn’t want to, a part of me wants to be carefree and happy and young, but the more dominant and aching part of me is begging for a break, asking for a bit of space. Which will add more value to my life? I’m not sure. I’m not sure I know very much anymore.
“The heart is what is important.” There is nothing more vulnerable, nothing more corruptible than the human mind; nor is there anything as powerful, steadfast and ennobling.”
— Daisaku Ikeda