Musings

The words I wish I could say

I’m angry. How do I explain this kind of anger that stems from being completely misunderstood? It’s the frustrating kind of anger that burns in your chest, thinking up possible ways to explain yourself. It feels like the truth and my part in my story has become misconstrued and twisted. Twisted in knots and tied in loops and circles around a memory so dear and fragile. I articulate myself well, when I write something down, my words seem to make sense. My words seem to bring out the best in me. However, when things become emotional and I try to say my words aloud, my throat tightens and my voice strains. I can’t speak without tears escaping and sobs stealing my breath.

So there is this part of me that wishes I had an opportunity to defend my actions and change the way in which I am perceived. I want to speak, loudly and clearly and clarify how things really happened. I want to allow my feelings a chance to speak, and my heart released by this anchor that is my past. I want to shake the world and put things right, because I know that things are so very wrong. I want to fix something that shouldn’t have been broken in the first place.

But then, there is this angry part of me. This nasty and boiling part of me that wants to forget it all. There is this ugly and proud version of myself that doesn’t feel the need to explain anything. A part that believes, if you do not know my heart by now, you never will. You don’t deserve any piece of it. The knots and the anchor are heavy and tangled and I don’t want to care. There are many curse words and insults that are inside my mouth and I cannot swallow without tasting their bitterness and sourness.

I want to feel heard and understood and I want to forgive. I am trying to forgive and understand. I want to love and be loved. The anger is exhausting and the sadness is aching.

Being conflicted in this way feels like a knife through my stomach, twisted and angry and damaging. I feel cut in half, useless and invisible. Which part of heart do I listen to? Because in a way, cutting ties would be the best thing, but with so many words left to say, is it truly possible?

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