Musings

When I love, I love fiercely

I always need certainty in my life and to know where I stand at all times. This is because I have a fear of making a fool of myself, and so I am usually a cautious wanderer.

 

So when I first meet people I remind myself to stay in control and not to spill too many secrets or reveal too many feelings. I stick to the script and I hide my soul.

 

But eventually, once I start to care for someone I can’t keep it to myself anymore. And it feels so good, and it feels so right. I want to share absolutely everything. It may take some time for me to get to this point, but once I do, there is no going back. Once I give you a piece of myself, you are without a doubt sitting comfortably in my heart. Welcome.

 

It’s not a perfect heart, darling, but it will do anything within its power to protect you. When I love, I love fiercely. When I care, I care unconditionally. But we all know that sometimes people who enter are lives are not meant to be a permanent fixture. They enter our lives with a purpose, and once they have fulfilled that purpose they have to go.

 

This however, is a painful process. In my heart I feel you clawing to escape, and I don’t want to let go –I am stubborn –I hold my breath and constrict my heart muscles. I want to convince you not to leave. After all, I just want to love you. But you have already left me, and this is just the aftershock. It’s not a perfect heart, darling, but it will do anything within its power to protect you.

 

At this point, I lose all control. I become impulsive and overly sensitive. I will take everything personally; because you are leaving my heart, and probably with such force that you have ripped the tissue and the cords holding it in place.

 

We all know there are two sides to this coin, the side that wants to get away and the side that won’t let go. I have been on both sides. It is hard to remember when you are preventing somebody from leaving how damaging it is for all involved. It is hard to remember when you are trying to move on how difficult it is to release your grip.

 

So how do we overcome this? Both are suffering, both need to move on, but one is in complete denial and the other is disappearing.

 

It is important to keep in mind that friendships expire and relationships die for different reasons. We all fail someone, we all occasionally feel disappointed. Even though we don’t want to think about it, and even though it leaves a wound inside of us, we are all just stepping-stones in some peoples lives. We are all a means to an end for somebody. It does not make us invaluable, or not good enough because usually in this case they are the same thing for us.

No ending is easy, every time a relationship ends, we lose a little something and we mourn for it. Whether it is love, familiarity, comfort, laughter or even pain, we still experience loss. We all hurt each other as much as we deny it or fight it, it is in our nature to break things. Sometimes those things are people or relationships. This is how we live, how we understand sadness and thunder, it is how we know love and passion and joy.

 

We should allow new relationships in our lives, even though there it is possibly that they will crash and destroy us for a while. It is only through anger and malice that we understand what it means to be kind. We should want others to inspire us and challenge us. we should want to challenge and inspire others. We should want to find stepping-stones, it is the only way we can move ahead in our journey. It is the only way we can improve ourselves and fight for our lives.

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