I’ve spent a lot of time lately considering my friendships and their importance in my life. I have shared extremely significant bonds with extremely special people, but it never seems to last. I mean, some of my friendships that have endured many obstacles are now stronger than before, but these fleeting and fading friendships seem to affect me far more than they affect others. I am trying to understand how this could be.
I’m sad to say that not all of my recent friendships have cultivated any sort of happiness within me. This seems to be a pattern of behavior learned from my childhood, since jumping from friend-to-friend in school was the norm (and not just for myself). Girls in general are competitive and bitchy and we are all guilty of petty slut-shaming and malicious behavior –if not now, in our younger years and probably still to come.
So here I am, a university student dealing with the same bullshit I was dealing with in high school only on a grander scale with ‘big-people’ problems and I am so resentful of that fact.
I have not always been a good friend, but those I used to call my friends have not treated me very nicely either.
Where has our loyalty gone? And how long could we possibly hold a grudge?
We all hurt people we love. It’s a part of life, and learning and growing. It is impossible to unhurt someone. We cannot take back our actions or our words. In moments of anger and frustration we strike back unaware of the consequences, or frankly at that point in time WE DON’T CARE.
The most common way we deal with conflict these days is by spitefully removing someone from our lives –I always think I will be satisfied by throwing out letters and photos and other memorabilia, but no –especially on social media and ignoring somebody at any cost in real life.
We all know that there is a particular burning in our chests that silence brings with it, and it’s the silence and being snubbed that creates this feeling that we weren’t really important to someone, so enjoy that sting because it shall come around regularly.
We are so quick to show how much better off we are without someone, I know I am always prepared to smile and laugh and show how little I care. On the inside, however, I am shaking and my brain shuts out all present conversation and instead my heart pipes up “I miss you, love me, I’m sorry, love me” and my tear ducts burn the back of my eyes until I get a headache.
I may not be the best at choosing potential friends, nourishing said friendship or saving it for that matter, but to my credit, I love hard. I love with my whole soul, and I will do anything to make someone I care about smile. Whether or not my friends feel that way about me usually determines whether or not the friendship will continue.
I guess I need to learn how to be a better friend, a bigger person and lot less scared of telling people what I want and how I know I should be treated. So it starts with a little bit of self-reflection even if it hurts.