I cannot imagine allowing somebody into my messy file draw that is my life in its entirety. How can it be sane, to let someone scramble through your misfortunes, brushes with emotional breakdowns and breakthroughs, you habits, ideals, history and everything that goes along with it? How can it feel good to consent to being so raw and unguarded and honest with one person that they could identify your thought patterns and deep smoldering desires that just about burn a hole through your heart?
It’s not sane. My best bet is that it’s just about one of the wildest things we possibly put ourselves through.
“Here you go, here’s a loaded gun. Feel free to aim wherever it hurts the most, but only if you want to. Tempted? Just preferably the heart cause that follows me everywhere.”
Crazy right? Deluded? Perhaps. Amazing? Always. Destructive? Hell yes. Healthy?
Sometimes but mostly it’s not.
I truly believe that you are you, you make your own path and you have your own goals. I believe we need to become whole before we invite love into our “heart-shaped boxes”. After which, love is a bonus. We do not need other people; we simply want them.
We are our own cause of our happiness; we are in control of how we respond to unfortunate situations.
Most importantly, we hold our own identities in the palm of our hands.
As much as we cannot love someone for their potential, we cannot expect them to create our own. Perhaps we are always changing, perhaps we feel we can improve within ourselves, but that does not fall on anyone else. You are in charge of how you grow as an individual.
Co-dependency is so prevalent in most relationships I was ever exposed to. Losing myself is a massive fear of mine; I don’t want to completely change everything about myself to accommodate someone else. We tend to forget who we were before, what used to interest us, our old ways of dealing with things.
“Before I met him, I would dance in the shower. When he was in my life, I would think about showering with him. After he left, I would sit on the ground in the shower and cry. When I got over him, I showered so quickly there was no time for dancing, fantasies or tears. Someone can invade the smallest parts of your life, you won’t even realise it until you dance in the shower again and wonder why you ever stopped.”
I don’t want to lose what makes me who I am. I want to expand, improve and broaden my perspective. And if I’m lucky enough to have someone by my side in this process then I only hope to encourage the other person to do the same.
“I would die for you. But I won’t live for you.” Something like that. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and then make the choice to share it with other people. Maybe that is what makes people “participate.”
― Stephen Chbosky