I was in a vulnerable place recently. I needed someone, anyone to pull me out of a devastating period in my life. I indeed found someone, a short, fleeting moment of complete confidence and trust in somebody else. I never expected him to save me, I could do that part, but it was nice, for once, not to carry the burden alone.
It was only after he disappeared from my life that I considered the many “red flags” and other things I should have picked up on. I’m an intuitive person, a really good judge of character. However, being as vulnerable as I was during this time, I let it all slide, I was only too happy to leave the bad patterns of behaviour unnoticed. I was in a weak position, this is no excuse it is a reason. This particular incident left me flailing.
“Life is not a game. Life is not a clean narrative and people are real and flawed and you can’t force anything on them or yourself. The second you try to love someone, it’s gone. And if you find yourself in this kind of situation over and over again, maybe it’s time for you to take some time to try to love yourself. “ – Ryan O’Connell, Thought Catalog
I don’t think that every single person is lying to me. I understand that we cannot possibly know everything about anybody. What I do find myself doing, however, is hiding myself, piece-by-piece, thought-by-thought. It is so exhausting. Sometimes I cannot even keep up, I would rather just isolate myself than deal with any situation that leaves me feeling defeated.
I would rather NOT participate in my own life than feel any sort of damage. This to me is so completely worrying, and why I had to write it out. Sometimes we need to place internal observations outside of ourselves in order for us to truly “observe” them.
It is now up to us to put these experiences behind ourselves, recognise that this issue with “trust” and possible “betrayal” is only because we clearly don’t trust ourselves.
This is my own cross to bear, and it will no longer be at the expense of potentially rewarding relationships.
The truth is, sometimes its worthwhile to ignore the signs, to completely let go of all ideals and expectations and perhaps GET wounded a little. No one should go through life unscathed from love, lust or even bad friendships. Not only does it build character, but also it shows us who we don’t want to be or become. It teaches us how to treat the people in our current/future lives.
My fear of intimacy and my unresolved trust issues inhibit my individual growth. I understand that. And why should I not try and save myself from heartache? Sure I miss out on a few things, but I don’t cry as often and I sure as hell have a lot less drama in my life. But here’s the thing: All emotions are beautiful. All situations rally to create new facets, views and perspectives within us. It is only through connecting with others and immersing ourselves in our dreams and relationships that we can fully experience life.