Musings

Resting our identity on someone else,

I know that personally I would like everyone around me to succeed. I like the idea of everyone I love and care about being unbelievably happy. My mother recognises this as “broken-wing syndrome” I am seemingly attracted to those in need, someone I can ‘fix’, and someone I can focus on so I can stop focusing on myself.

Other people seem so much more important to us than we are to ourselves. I guess in some way we can almost control something in our lives, we want to gain respect, admiration and love. Who doesn’t want to feel love? The only way we seem to think we can reach such an achievement is by making somebody else our own personal success story. By resting our identity on someone else, we base our entire victory or lack thereof upon him or her. In the process however we tend to lose touch with ourselves. We forget about our own goals and ambitions while we uphold someone else’s.

 

 

Why is this selfish? How do we set boundaries?

We crave acceptance, we cannot stand not having power over what happens in our lives, so why not shift our attention to someone else whom we can devote all our time to? It’s so self assuring, we’re such good people cause here we are, helping somebody else find their place in the world. It feels like compassion, but really it’s easier to project our own insecurities on somebody else. This way, once we exhaust ourselves, it’s not really our fault. We have dedicated our energy to someone else and therefore we are the victims. We don’t need to take responsibility for ourselves. It also gives us some kind of hold on said person, who could leave us after we have done SO much for them. They owe us right? I mean we don’t do anything in order to get some kind compensation, but a little loyalty goes a long way.

 

Setting boundaries is so challenging; I just want to help everyone. I just want to not think about myself, I just want this person to admire my good will and selflessness. I don’t want this feeling to go away.

 

I hereby promise myself:

  • To practice being kind rather than right and in control
  • To start setting boundaries and depend on myself for acknowledgement and self-affirmation
  • To stop making myself so available and become available towards myself
  • To make sure I can fill my cup instead of trying to fill everybody else’s
  • To stop creating unrealistic expectations for myself
  • To be conscious of my reality and offering my support in a sustainable manner
  • To become empowered while still caring for myself and others
  • To stop feeling guilty for tending to my own needs
  • To realise my value
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