I cannot tell you exactly what caused such a colossal shift in my life, but it was a long time coming. I hoped, until I could not hope anymore, I wished until I forgot what I was wishing for and I gave up. I felt beaten down and defeated, but more importantly, by me. It’s still a fresh feeling of freedom from my own prison. Those are only moments though. They are fleeting, I am either lucid and fully available and genuinely excited about living or I’m not. There is no in between and the last couple of days have been the hardest. I fight and scratch and I know its not enough to bring me back. Its as if I’m fighting off reality, but its not me and it feels good when reality loses but then it hurts because I see the ones I love losing their grip on me.
In my head, I see this as water. I am not only struggling to breathe, I feel the pressure in my lungs and its so tight and I panic. The kind of panic that makes your heart feel like its about to combust into a million pieces right there in your chest. I can’t stop it, I can’t control it.