It was becoming clear to me that I was losing my will to fight against myself. I felt as though I was disappearing into my past. My body was lugging ahead, clumsy and pointless. I couldn’t reconnect the two, I could not pull myself towards myself. I wanted to take control but it felt as though something darker had taken over me. It was starting to win the battle. I felt helpless that I was losing ground day by day. Depleted and tired, I knew this life was suffocating me, I could feel it emotionally and sometimes physically as well. I was in such darkness I could not feel any colour. I wasn’t sure where I was headed, only that I didn’t want to keep going.
I sunk into the depression easily, the more I indulged myself in my memories and regrets, the faster I spiralled. I allowed myself access to events and replayed them whenever I could. I woke up miserable and defeated every day. I knew the monster was inside of me and it felt impossible to beat.
I moved slowly through the days, each day stinging more than the last. I couldn’t bear to ask for help, how do you explain that the conflict is actually within you, and how can anybody else but you fix that? My friends couldn’t understand it, but they gave me my space. More than ever i wanted to be alone.
It was in this loneliness that I discovered by reading other blogs and watching spiritual videos that I needed to adjust something about myself. I had always looked to my external environment to determine my desires, my needs and wants. I had not once asked myself what I would need to heal or keep going. It was because of this that I would continue getting stuck and feeling helpless. I was helpless, I was refusing to help myself and i was refusing to listen.
The idea was only planted in my mind, and it didn’t happen over-night. I am still tempering it, I am still learning to listen. What i discovered by listening at that moment isn’t important here, it is different for everyone. But i finally allowed myself to want, and to follow the dreams I sought after, a simple concept, but it can be so overwhelming
It is only the beginning and the journey is much harder than I imagined. I will still fight my demons, there will still be darkness inside me. However, my mind is a weapon and my heart simply wants to love. So I’m giving into that completely. We all have our own demons to fight, our own souls to pursue and our own struggles to overcome. There are battles we have to fight alone, even when no one can understand it. The Light is just so much more, the reward of truly being, enjoying and understanding ourselves is so much greater. For the first time in my life I no longer feel alone, I have me.
Arcade Fire-Suburban War
Paper Route-Day N Nite (Kid Cudi Cover)
The Sound of Animals Fighting-My Horse Must Lose
Ben Howard-Keep Your Head Up
City And Colour-Little Hell
Tegan and Sara-Nineteen
Iori’s Eyes-Somethings Comin’ over Me