Musings · uncategorised

I am not ashamed to be human, to make horrible mistakes

I feel as though I am asking, humbly begging my Ego to hand over the keys to my soul. She is creating an utter mess of my thoughts, emotions and actions. I feel like I no longer have a say in anything anymore. My thoughts are most definitely in control of me.
My ego, it seems, is on a mission to pull me up and away from my own peace.
“Be sad!” and I am.
“Feel hurt, ashamed, betrayed, angry, jealous!” And I will,
“Don’t reach out first, you always do.” And I completely withdraw.
Lately I am sitting quietly at any given opportunity. I want to be alone with myself-we clearly have a few issues to sort out. We’re in the middle of a ground-breaking power struggle.
I want to exorcise and push my fear of my own thoughts so far away that it starts to fear me. I want to feel calm and as though for once that I have the power. Not the world, not who I think I should be, but me, silent, inner me. I am entirely and utterly drained from being a slave to my mind and sentiments. For some reason these two always seem to be in conflict. From what I understand my ego is either quietening my emotions or inflating them. I am therefore always overreacting and under reacting.
This cannot ever really be good. It means that I am not being completely honest with myself-and who are we if we are okay with lying to our very core. This means that what I have been putting forth is not entirely true, or me. We are not always aware of our actions developing into habits and then becoming a part who we are.  All I know is I would prefer to replace those habits with essentials that are going to improve my humanity.  I am merely on the pursuit of harmony and balance.

I am not ashamed to be human, to make horrible mistakes. I feel sorry for myself, I sulk and I can be stubborn. There are positive aspects, I see and imagine things I can never explain. I experience  love and connections on the most intense levels. I can share my thoughts and ideals, I can laugh and cry. I can master my thoughts and control my actions and parts of destiny. Doesn’t that sound absolutely wonderful? You have the most influence over yourself, you just might not be aware of it. At the end of the darkest day, you have the means to light up a few candles, to do what it takes to feel whole again.

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