Musings · uncategorised

This conflict within ourselves is bigger than we think.

I read somewhere “People are not static. We are always growing, learning, making new friends, changing interest”. That is a beautiful concept, because who can really be defined? Why would you ever want to be?
The idea of letting go, moving forward, liberating yourself of baggage and toxic relationships appeals to me. In theory this is a great way to progress forward in life, in practise it is deceiving. You think you’ve moved on until the past knocks on your door, swiftly moving into your existence with a sudden jolt. Suddenly there is chaos in your mind and heart and you cannot hear over the blast. The more rational, cynical side of you pushing you forward. This isn’t a good idea, you don’t want to be hurt again, you’ve just gotten over this. While the passionate unreasonable side begging and pleading for familiarity is dragging you back. This conflict within ourselves is bigger than we think.
The real question is: Is it worth it to retrace your steps to someone who was never good for you, and lose all the progress you’ve made, or is it going to be different this time? Is this relationship going to be destructive? Was the reason you let go in the first place to progress as a person and then to meet up again in the future? The decision should not be based on this question, but how the question made you feel about that person. We can never really know the future, and to assume things and avoid risk, you are missing out on spontaneity and the beauty of the unforeseen. I think you truly know in your heart whether someone is toxic for you.
Without conflict we cannot evolve. Relationships become stronger when you have to fight for it, because now it means a little bit more to us than it used to. When you lose something that you didn’t work very hard for, it doesn’t affect you as much as something you struggled for-that’s a given. These situations are usually a catch-22, you can either fight to move ahead again, or fight to have the past back and once again adjust.
I’ve always loved the excitement of trying something new, or going to a place I’ve never been to before. Nothing can ever replace experience, and the best experiences I’ve ever had were the unexpected, spontaneous ideas. Of course I am a worrier, as well as a planner and perfectionist, and by that I mean for my life. I am a hard worker but if I have no interest in something it is most likely to be done half-heartedly-a bad habit-but a great way for me to tell whether or not something is right for me.
I am obsessive when it comes to the way things happen in my life, I thrive on beautiful moments and I get overly anxious when something goes wrong, when something happens that I never wanted. Although this is probably the best way to learn and develop, it drives me insane. However, I adapt quickly, I pick up on things in my environment, I’m observant and alter my behaviour to my surroundings. This is the most draining thing you can ever do, it pulls so much energy out of you. You get used to it though, until the next change, and the next one and pretty soon the exhaustion kicks in and nothing can please you. This I where I am at, I’m hankering for the past, a lifestyle I cannot seem to let go of, relationships I refuse to let transform. I want what I had but I need to move forward.
“What we want and what we need are not always agreed.”-Dear Reader

Songs of The Day:
Not your Fault-Awolnation
Skin&Bone-Sydney Bartlett
Wild world-Mike Bailey
Rabbit Song-Boy and Bear
Home Again-Michael Kiwanuka
Open House-Bombay Bicycle Club
Bella-Angus & Julia Stone
M.E.X.I.C.O-The Kills

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