How long does it take to realise that the place you live, the place you learnt how to ride a bike-now the place I am learning to drive a car-is not where you belong? In a life that just isn’t fulfilling you anymore, I feel no happiness, only sadness.
My home, so laced with memories makes me feel, above all, loved, yet lonely. I think to myself, get out of here, do something, travel more and I feel stuck and tied down and guilty. This is where my family lives, it is where I made friends, I went to high school, unknowingly becoming the person I am today. But I am tired of waiting for something better, something to make me feel like I imagine everyone else to feel.
I think the most challenging and most impossible feeling I’m dealing with lately is the idea of settling. “You’re growing up now, it’s time to settle down.” And in my heart I’m hearing: “Okay, everything you ever dreamed about, hoped for, aspired to or wanted for yourself, forget it. It’s not going to happen.” I’m falling into a routine and I’m hearing: well this is the real world and it is as if someone has struck at my heart and dug in with their idea of the way reality should be. And let me tell you it is aching, each and every single day I am aching, I walk away from my job weeping, I fall asleep at night to sad and wistful music. I’m hoping to wake up in a different world in which I don’t have to accept that this is my life. Whose idea was this? To wait to live, to settle for someone else’s idea of living, to place myself into a box and become another statistic. That’s how I feel, a walking number, I exist and that is that.
My friendships are different, I cannot relate to anyone and I feel trapped. Then I could easily slap myself for being so ungrateful, because even though they can’t understand why I’m hurting, my family is extremely supportive and sympathetic. I have a lot to be thankful for in my life, but mostly it isn’t what I want for myself. If I am honest with myself I know that there is a lot more that I wish I could be doing and investing my time in.I am envious of my friends, some of them so sure about what they want out of life, as well as getting the opportunity to follow their passions. I find myself thinking bout how lucky they are, yet I know just a well that they are also facing daily challenges. I also feel like I have lost many of them in the chaos of moving out of a high school environment and into various colleges and workspaces. I find this heartbreaking and I hate thinking that the people that were a colossal part of my life are now a part of someone else’s and I will never get to make memories with them again. That is reality, hard and cutting.
What I’m trying to say is I’m looking for the courage I used to have to do the things I truly believed in and felt were helping me grow as a person. I miss the joy I used to get out of being around friends that made me laugh, we had all the time in the world. I’ve been waiting and hoping for someone to save me from this overwhelming feeling of falling into absolute darkness.