It is hard to believe in the goodness of people and relationships, when you have been let down and pushed down. In actual fact it is hard to believe in anything these days, we have become cynical, pretentious, materialistic and fickle. Religion is a rare belief we come by in people and even those that claim to be religious are judgmental or hypocritical. We do not believe it is going to be okay. There is no happy ending, no one is going to save you from yourself. We are influenced by media that force ideas and thoughts into our heads, distorting our perceptions of beauty and real life. The magazines are telling us how to behave, how to dress. We pull away from certain people because someone at some point in our lives pointed out a flaw in us and now we feel too inadequate to love and be loved.
I am on the verge of freedom, my wings are shaking, my toes are over the ledge, my heels are digging in with impatience and I cannot fathom doing this alone. I am about to figure out who I am, who I want to be and where I want to be. I am being pushed and pulled in all directions, pushed down by toxic people and relationships, pushed up by the healthy relationships in my life, pushed forward by my intentions and held back by my fear. I am scared. I don’t want to be perfect, I want to make mistakes, I want to live the way I want to live, I don’t want to care what people think and say and hear about me, I don’t want to be judged- although I guess this comes with the territory.
I want to believe in people again, I want to think that there is no ulterior motive behind someones actions. I am adequate to love and be loved. Beauty is around us, but if we only choose to see the ugly things in life, the darkness, that is ALL we will see. So it is hard, life is not a fairytale and not everything you do will be accepted, but we cannot live in walls, we cannot pretend that we don’t feel things. We have to make mistakes without living recklessly and carelessly. People will always talk and make you feel insignificant, but so what? Do we stop living because someone told us we’re doing it all wrong? Shame on you for having your own ideas, thoughts and morals. How dare you stick your neck out and think differently and feel differently about something? Shame on them for being closed minded and indifferent to life in that case.
We don’t all fit the mould, we don’t all feel the same, but our fingerprints are different for a reason.