Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost who I used to be. Maybe parts of me are hidden, my own mind and souls preservation of my heart. I think differently, I wake up with new thoughts in my head; I am cynical, faithless and sometimes even ruthless, qualities that were not associated with me before, or at least not to the extent as they are now. I think that to me is the scariest part.
You are a stranger to yourself, you are treading softly around places that were so familiar and have now taken a different shape altogether. Things have changed, you can’t do what you used to do and feel how you used to feel about it. You feel invaded and the other part of you has woken up and taken a deep breath and blown everything you ever understood about yourself away. You’re gone, and then you’re new.
It is sort of like when you experience a death, you feel loss and you mourn. You mourn for who you were, what could have become of you if you hadn’t been subjected to these events and hadn’t in turn altered.
And then I think, there is always a balance, for everything you lose you gain something else, and in turn for everything you gain, you lose something else.
I may think differently, I may wake up with new thoughts in my head; but now I am empathetic, cautious, stronger than I ever was, and more determined to take on challenges.
Of course there are moments when the “old you’ is kicking and screaming to come out, old habits die hard, but after a while the kicks become tired and the screaming becomes echoes. You simply move on, you live your life again, you hold on to people that deserve to be in your life and the people who can’t understand why you are how you are now move on too and you live such separate lives that it doesn’t bother you anymore.
Maybe one day you read old texts, you’ll look at old photographs and re-read old letters and experience lingering nostalgia. You will also probably look around you and realise it was just time to change, things were not as blissful as you’d like to think and remember. You’ll be glad for the opportunity to get out of that rut you didn’t even know you were in.
You simply exist, surrender to each day as it comes and embrace the memories.